Yay, I finally figured out the wacky formatting glitch that was sending my blog template on the fritz. Shame on you, Instagram email posts, for not closing your code with </div>!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Whew, this week really put me through the wringer. I got home last night completely drained. I’ve been David L. Eng’s Feeling of Kinship this week for class, where he uses psychoanalysis and the Freudian Oedipal complex to commentate on First Person Plural and psychological case studies on Korean adoptees in therapy. Oh, now I remember what it feels like to be an object without agency. Honestly, the case study was difficult for me to read. That was me four years ago. But in worse shape. If I wasn’t sawing on my wrists, I was locked up in the psych ward tranqued out on Xanax or strapped to a stretcher for electroshock therapy. Not a point in my life I particularly care to revisit.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
It’s been a year since I was last in Korea, a year since I stepped into Holt Korea’s office and into Omma’s arms. A lot has happened since then. My family has grown exponentially. Yet there’s something still so raw about it. The video of Omma’s and my first moments together has over 3,700 views, and I still get messages from people who have been moved to tears by it. But I have something to admit: since uploading the video, I haven’t been able to watch it. Navigating around YouTube or my blog, I’ll occasionally stumble upon it, and I have to hit pause to stop it from autoplaying. It’s still too visceral, too close, too surreal that I haven’t been able to fully process everything yet. Who knows if I ever will.
Despite that, I am so grateful for the gift I have been granted, the opportunity to meet Omma, to be re-enveloped into the family fold. I am blessed with a sister who is one of the bravest, strongest, most compassionate people I have ever encountered. I am still awed by the fact that far more family members knew of me and have been waiting for me to return than those from whom I was hidden.
For the first time in several years, I have not made the pilgrimage home this year. And I can feel it in my bones, a yearning, like a kind of gravity, pulling, pulling. I need to return…
Friday, October 7, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
I attended a Health and Wellness workshop yesterday on campus. Basically, How to Avoid Going Crazy While in Grad School. We were each given a slip of paper, half of us had blue, half of us had yellow. The yellows had to write down five things that made them happy, the blues 5 things that got them down. I got blue. My list:
- Cold showers (our apartment hadn’t had hot water all summer; I’ve been taking room temperature showers for months—it finally got fixed a couple weeks ago!)
And I was shocked that I couldn’t finish the list. It made me realize that in my day-to-day life, I don’t encounter a lot of things that upset me anymore. And that’s good. But a little strange, too, in a way. I think depression has been a part of my identity for so long, that it’s a little weird not carrying that burden anymore. It recalls Steven Page’s lyrics in “War on Drugs”:
Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company
Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be
It is a little odd, but I find I’m rather liking it.
Now, I didn’t get to write a list of 5 things that make me happy yesterday. So I’ll take the liberty to do so now. And I’m not stopping at 5.
- Mugs of green tea
- The scent of ginseng
- Foam on the top of milk steamers
- The shape of gingko leaves
- Hot car
- Baking bread
- The smell of Olivia’s feet (corn chips!)
- Stationery and office supplies
- Sea glass
- Napping in the sun
- Walks with the dog on the beach
- Things in miniature
- Korean street food
- Crossword puzzles
What do your lists look like?
Monday, September 5, 2011